


infiltrator! infiltrator!

by N_Is_For_Knowledge



Series: the association of dumbassery [5]
Category: All the Wrong Questions - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chatting & Messaging, Gen, its just the associates roasting stew for an hour, no 13si kids in this one sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:01:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23234401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/N_Is_For_Knowledge/pseuds/N_Is_For_Knowledge
Summary: “Grammatically Correct Lemon: Someone just requested to join.Grammatically Correct Lemon: I think it’s Stew Mitchum.origaymi: what makes u think it’s stew?Grammatically Correct Lemon: Their username is “defenitely not stew mitchum”.”Stew Mitchum has managed to infiltrate the Associates’ group chat, but he’s not as sneaky as he thinks. Far from it, in fact.
Relationships: Everyone & Stew Mitchum, Jake Hix/Cleo Knight, im not tagging them all because oh god there are so many
Series: the association of dumbassery [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1586047
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	infiltrator! infiltrator!

**Author's Note:**

> Username time!
> 
> Lemony: Grammatically Correct Lemon  
> Ornette: origaymi  
> Moxie: force of courage  
> Squeak: smol fucker  
> Pip: slightly larger fucker  
> Kellar: I DO NOT HAVE WEIRD HAIR  
> Jake: the Sane One  
> Cleo: Better Than Any Of You  
> Ellington: exists to torment snicket

_ ( _ **_defenitely not stew mitchum_ ** _ requested to join  _ **_The Association Of Dumb Names_ ** _ ) _

  
  


**|The Association Of Dumb Names|**

_ 5:15 PM _

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** Someone just requested to join.

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** I think it’s Stew Mitchum. 

**_origaymi:_ ** what makes u think it’s stew?

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** Their username is “defenitely not stew mitchum”.

**_force of courage:_ ** yeah that’s stew

**_smol fucker:_ ** ADD HIM

**_slightly larger fucker:_ ** why

**_smol fucker:_ ** SO WE CAN ROAST HIM AND THEN BAN HIM

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** That’s… actually a good idea. 

**_force of courage:_ ** u just say that bc u want to use more insults from your google doc

**_I DO NOT HAVE WEIRD HAIR:_ ** google doc???

**_the Sane One:_ ** yah snicket has a google doc that’s just increasingly flowery insults with separate sections for ppl he hates

**_the Sane One:_ ** the section for stew is like 20 pages long

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** I’m still sad that I already used the one about exacerbation. That was one of the best ones.

**_smol fucker:_ ** exacerbation?????

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** “Exacerbate, a word which here means ‘to make worse’, as in the sentence ‘Stew Mitchum is exacerbating the whole world.’” I never thought I would ever find a way to use it.

**_I DO NOT HAVE WEIRD HAIR:_ ** wait isn’t that the one u roasted him with while he was beating you up??

**_origaymi:_ ** lemony snickers: *gets beat up* roast opportunity!

**_Better Than Any Of You:_ ** i am jumping up and down in excitement i can’t fucking wait

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** Everyone, as much as I cannot wait to roast Stew, we have to acknowledge the very real possibility that he is here to spy on us for the Inhumane Society. We need to take some precautions.

**_force of courage:_ ** new ppl can’t see old texts, right?

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** No, they cannot.

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** As much as you may want to, do not start roasting him the minute he joins. It sounds, from his username, like he is trying to pretend to not be Stew. Wait until he inevitably unmasks himself, then begin.

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** Alright, I’m adding him.

_ ( _ **_Grammatically Correct Lemon_ ** _ added  _ **_defenitely not stew mitchum_ ** _ ) _

**_defenitely not stew mitchum:_ ** hey dickwads who are you 

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** I’m Lemony. Also, you misspelled “definitely”.

**_defenitely not stew mitchum:_ ** no i didn’t lemonade

**_smol fucker:_ ** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LEMONADE I CANT SDOIGHSODIFJSODUGJISIDHDHDIDJFDIU

**_smol fucker:_ ** IM SQUEAK

**_slightly larger fucker:_ ** pip

**_force of courage:_ ** moxie

**_origaymi:_ ** ornette!

**_Better Than Any Of You:_ ** cleo 

**_the Sane One:_ ** jake 

**_smol fucker:_ ** so whats ur name

**_defenitely not stew mitchum:_ ** soup

**_force of courage:_ ** soup????

**_defenitely not stew mitchum:_ ** yeah soup. it’s short for soupart.

**_force of courage:_ ** soupart isn’t a real name

**_defenitely not stew mitchum:_ ** you fuckwad

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** So, Soup, what are your opinions on slingshots?

**_defenitely not stew mitchum:_ ** ??

**_origaymi:_** don’t worry soup they asked me questions when I first joined too

**_defenitely not stew mitchum:_ ** slingshots are fucking awesome! they help me hit birds and annoying people really hard! 

**_force of courage:_ ** so, soup, do you live in stain’d-by-the-sea? i haven’t seen you around

**_defenitely not stew mitchum:_ ** yeah i live here in staind, everyone here is so fucking annoying tho

**_defenitely not stew mitchum:_ ** always going on and on about books. newsflash: no one cares about books!

**_the Sane One:_ ** soup, by saying that, you’ve hurt my feelings. do you at least like muffins? chocolate muffins?

**_defenitely not stew mitchum:_ ** muffins rock! once, i went to this dumpy diner, and the guy at the counter wouldn’t let me have four muffins even though i had paid for three, and some other guy was eating lunch and he hadn’t even paid for it! the counter guy just gave it to him!

**_defenitely not stew mitchum:_ ** so i stole two talkie-walkies from my parents (who are cops btw) and managed to trick them into thinking that i was a spy who needed to be rescued while I used the can, and then i stole my fourth muffin! that’s how much i love muffins!

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** That was faster than I thought it would be.

**_Better Than Any Of You:_ ** HOLY SHIT 

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** So, “Soup”, your parents are cops.

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** The only cops left in Stain’d-By-The-Sea, where you said you lived, are Harvey and Mimi Mitchum.

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** That would make you Stewart Mitchum.

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** So, 1. You have been lying to us, and 2. You are a horrible liar for someone in a secret society.

_ ( _ **_Grammatically Correct Lemon_ ** _ changed  _ **_defenitely not stew mitchum_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_Definitely Stew Mitchum_ ** _ ) _

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** I even fixed the typo! You should thank me.

**_Definitely Stew Mitchum:_ ** im NOT stewart harvey mitchum!!!!!!

**_force of courage:_ ** stew mitchum, the human version of rat poison,

**_force of courage:_** lemony pulls off a bowl cut better than you do. LEMONY.

**_force of courage:_ ** LEMONY “IM GONNA WEAR THE SAME HAT FOR 5 MONTHS STRAIGHT AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME” SNICKET PULLS OFF A BOWL CUT BETTER THAN YOU DO

**_I DO NOT HAVE WEIRD HAIR:_ ** to be fair the hat is probably why

**_I DO NOT HAVE WEIRD HAIR:_ ** #GetStewMitchumAHat2K1?

**_Better Than Any Of You:_ ** why stop at just a hat? hide stew’s entire disgusting fleshsack 

**_Better Than Any Of You:_ ** #NailStewMitchumInsideAWoodenBoxAndThrowHimIntoTheClusterousForest2K1?

**_the Sane One:_ ** sweetheart i think that’s too much for one hashtag

**_the Sane One:_ ** how about #FeedStewMitchumToTheBombinatingBeast2K1?

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** Those are both excellent. As for the second one, I’d do it myself, honestly, if it were real.

**_Definitely Stew Mitchum:_ ** stop insulting meeeeeeeeeee

**_origaymi:_ ** have you never been roasted before?

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** Well, usually, one is roasted either by their friends, or by their enemies. 

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** Stew doesn’t have any friends.

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** Therefore, as Stew’s enemies, we have a moral obligation to roast him.

**_slightly larger fucker:_ ** what sour lemon over here means is: you’re fucked

**_smol fucker:_ ** >:P

**_Definitely Stew Mitchum_ ** : i’m not stew mitchum! stop bullying me! 

**_Better Than Any Of You:_ ** ok everyone went except ornette and ellington 

**_Better Than Any Of You:_ ** actually where is ellington

**_force of courage:_ ** don’t know don’t care

**_Better Than Any Of You:_ ** HEY  _ @exists to torment snicket  _ GET IN HERE WE’RE ROASTING STEW MITCHUM

**_exists to torment snicket:_ ** WHAT

**_exists to torment snicket:_ ** THIS FUCKIN PANSY STEW MITCHUM

**_exists to torment snicket:_ ** HE LIKES TO PRETEND HE’S STRONG AND CAPABLE OF ASSKICKING

**_exists to torment snicket:_ ** BUT NO

**_exists to torment snicket:_ ** THIS BABY CAN’T EVEN LIFT A HONEYDEW MELON

**_exists to torment snicket:_ ** AND HE’S ABOUT AS SMART AS ONE TOO

**_exists to torment snicket:_ ** *mic drop*

**_I DO NOT HAVE WEIRD HAIR:_ ** *furious clapping*

**_origaymi:_ ** WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**_force of courage:_ ** ok maybe ellington isn’t as bad as i thought she was

**_exists to torment snicket:_ ** bye bitches im still technically in jail and i don’t wanna get my phone confiscated by the police

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** Don’t you mean “”police””?

**_force of courage:_ ** changed my mind ellington is exactly as bad as i thought she was

**_origaymi:_ ** jeez stew where’d u go grow a spine and get back here

**_Definitely Stew Mitchum:_** ur so gay

**_origaymi:_ ** We Been Knew

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** Okay. Any last words, associates?

**_origaymi:_ ** assuming stew is ur associate?

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** Oh, I wasn’t talking to him. I assume we’re all done, then?

**_Definitely Stew Mitchum:_ ** fuck you lemonade

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** Stew Mitchum, human equivalent of the Bee Movie, I will squash you like a bug.

**_Definitely Stew Mitchum:_ ** bet

_ ( _ **_Grammatically Correct Lemon_ ** _ removed  _ **_Definitely Stew Mitchum_ ** _ from  _ **_The Association Of Dumb Names_ ** _ ) _

_ ( _ **_Grammatically Correct Lemon_ ** _ banned  _ **_Definitely Stew Mitchum_ ** _ from  _ **_The Association Of Dumb Names_ ** _ ) _

**_Grammatically Correct Lemon:_ ** The evil has been defeated.

**_origaymi:_ ** HURRAH

**_Better Than Any Of You:_ ** HURRAH

**_force of courage:_ ** HURRAH

**_slightly larger fucker:_ ** HURRAH

**_smol fucker:_ ** :D

**_I DO NOT HAVE WEIRD HAIR:_ ** HURRAH

**_the Sane One:_ ** HURRAH

**_exists to torment snicket:_ ** HURRAH

**Author's Note:**

> this happens post-sybis and pre-witndfaon, so lots of references to the events of sybis. also stew’s diner story is from fu:13si


End file.
